★★★★★ 5
Excellent advice on how to improve relationships
Format: Kindle
I've read dozens of books on the psychology of relationships, but this is one of the best and most useful I've ever seen. Gary Chapman's unique concept of "The 5 Love Languages" (Affirmations, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch) describes how knowing and using the 5 love languages can improve and deepen loving relationships, while misunderstanding them can cause harm. The information in this book is well-organized, easy to read and understand, and includes lots of stories that are not only interesting, but clearly illustrate the author's point. There is also a self-assessment tool at the end, plus links to additional info online.
Dr. Chapman's basic concept is that "5 love languages" are commonly used in committed relationships to express love and affection toward one's partner. Chapman explains that loving couples can run into trouble if they don't know and understand their own dominant love language or that of their partner. A relationship can thrive if and when each person understands which specific love language is most important to themselves and also knows and honors their partner's most important way of receiving love, which is often different from their own. All 5 of the love languages are equally useful and valid; none are better or more preferred than any other. They simply reflect how an individual's unique needs, expectations, and personality are expressed by the ways they most want to receive love from their partner.
Dr. Chapman devotes a chapter to each of "The 5 Love Languages" using stories from his practice as a licensed Marriage and Family Counselor to show the need for using the correct expressions of love and how using the wrong love language can damage an otherwise good relationship. For example, if a wife's dominant love language is affirmations (including compliments, encouragement, appreciation, and gratitude) but her husband doesn't understand how important these positive words are to her, he might think it's OK to tease her about her looks, accuse her of being lazy, or criticize her cooking. When she needs kind and supportive words but hears insults and put-downs instead, she will feel unloved, no matter what else he does to show he cares. He could surprise her with flowers, hug and kiss her when he comes home, fix the leaky faucet, or offer to take the kids to the park, but still, if he does not give her the words she needs, she will feel unappreciated and unfulfilled. On the other hand, if the husband's dominant love language is spending quality time with his wife, but his wife thinks that taking good care of the house & kids and cooking him a nice meal every night is the best way to show him her love, he will feel resentful and misunderstood. What he needs most is for her to set aside time for listening and sharing with him, for making plans, and spending quality time one-on-one. If she does not understand how important quality time is to him, that will damage their relationship. Having a weekly date night is probably the most important thing this couple could do to improve their marriage.
"The 5 Love Languages" is written specifically for married couples, but the advice could easily be applied to ANY relationship, including family and friends. The author has written other books using the 5 languages concept, such as "The 5 Love Languages" for parents - how to express love to their children and teens. Some kids thrive on physical touch when young, but the kind of touch is likely to change when they become teens. Some kids rely on quality time with one or both parents, while others want more time alone but still need to hear lots of affirmations. I wish I had known about "The 5 Love Languages" when my kids were little, but now that they are grown I can still use what I've learned to improve all my relationships.
Overall, this book is the real deal, both important and useful. I highly recommend "The 5 Love Languages" to anyone wanting to learn how to improve and express love in their relationships.
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Reviewed in the United States on November 21, 2018
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